The Daily Show
OCTOBER 29, 2003 (ABC)

The Daily Show

Jon Stewart: This funny comedian and actor was on “Saturday Night Live” for many years. His new show is FOX’s “A Minute with Stan Hooper”.

[Cuts to a clip from the pilot. Gary enters Stan and Molly’s bedroom]

Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald): Hey, hey, hey! You don’t just come in here uninvited.

Gary (Brian Howe): I knocked.

[Gary begins spreading rose petals on the bed]

Stan: Hey, Gary! What are you doing?

Gary: I’m getting your bed ready.

Stan: We don’t want roses on our bed. We don’t live like this Gary.

Gary: Yes you do.

Molly Hooper (Penelope Anne Miller): Gary, it’s lovely. But that’ll be all for tonight.

Gary: Oh, well, ok Mrs. H. Well, if you need me, I’ll be in my quarters.

Molly: Oh, where are your quarters?

Stan: Why would we need him?!?!

Gary: They’re right next door.

Stan: The house has five bedrooms Gary.

Gary: Yes, and mine is next to yours

[Back to The Daily Show]

Jon: Please welcome Norm MacDonald. Norm!

[Norm comes out to a big applause. Jon goes out to greet him.]

Jon: I love Norm MacDonald!

[Norm and Jon sit]

Jon: Hello!

Norm: Hey, hey Johnny! That clip didn’t seem that entertaining.

Jon: That’s not the whole show, is it?

Norm: That’s the best part.

Jon: You picked that out especially for me?

Norm: I miss you Johnny!

Jon: I miss you! TV is better in my mind-

Norm: Congratulations-

Jon: Stop it.

Norm: ...on your Academy Award.

Jon: TV is better- Don’t even talk about it

Norm: No! He won an Emmy!

Jon: By the way, you are the first guest to sit in our new couch. Talk to me about uh-

Norm: This is some couch. I’ll tell you that, man.

Jon: What do you think?

Norm: I’d fuck it.

[big laugh from audience]

Norm: That’s the highest compliment that you can pay a couch.

Jon: It is- it is a high compliment, it’s just that we have a minivan of nuns. That is, uh... Have you uh- uh, ever felt a couch that you’ve felt that way before. Before this couch.

Norm: Uhh, no, this is the first one, man, I’m a- a normal fella, you know?

Jon: Uh hu. Do you think it’s the ultra-suede?

Norm: It may be, it may be the uh- it has an alluring “come hither” look.

Jon: It has a bit of a nice slant to it, I believe.

Norm: It’s a goddamn whore! I’ll tell you that.

[audience laughs]

Norm: It’s a nice couch, it’s a nice couch. I don’t mean to disparage the couch.

Jon: TV is better when Norm MacDonald is on it. That is my- that is my postulation. That is my theory. That is my... [audience applauds] This whole interview will be applause breaks back and forth. And you know what?

Norm: What’s that?

Jon: America is a great country.

Norm: America is the best country in the world. [applause and laughter from the audience] I know you say...

Jon: Norm MacDonald got more applause than America.

Norm: I know you say that with irony, but you know, I- I’m from Canada.

Jon: Where?

Norm: Canada.

Jon: Show me where that is. Where? I’ve heard tale of it. Uh, but you- you’ve been living here for years.

Norm: Yeah. And America is the greatest country in the world and Canada... thirty five.

Jon: You can’t say that, you have to go- you have family there. You’ll- you’ll- you’ll- they’ll see you at-

Norm: My family’s fine.

Jon: At Boxing Day, or whatever they- do they have holidays?

Norm: They do have Boxing Day. How do you know about that?

Jon: I read the papers.

Norm: You should explain to them. They’re going to think that that has something to do with the pugilism, but it is actually not.

Jon: Boxing Day is nothing to do with pugilism. It’s a day in Canada where all the small children-

Norm: What’s ‘pugilism’ mean?

Jon: That would be the- the- the art of the... ‘Sweet Science”. As it were

Norm: Oh, boxing. Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. You’re right... “Sweet science.”

Jon: Boxing Day in Canada is, all the children are put in boxes...

Norm: That’s right

Jon: ...and set out on Lake Huron.

Norm: Yes, that’s right.

Jon: And whoever doesn’t sink, is-

Norm: -is not a witch!

Jon: -is not a witch, and is the next prime minister. I think.

Norm: I think that’s the way it goes.

Jon: I think that is correct. But now you live in Los Angeles, the lap of... uh...

Norm: Yes I do. That lap of... fire. [filmed during the fall 2003 Southern California wildfires]

Jon: Oh, yeah, that’s- are you any where near? Is that anywhere near?

Norm: No, that’s the- that’s the one bright spot in the whole thing is that I’m in no danger at all. [audience laughs]

Jon: You know, they haven’t covered that on the news as much on the news as much as uh-

Norm: They haven’t?

Jon: Not a lot of Norm MacDonald updates.

Norm: I saw, this is an interesting thing I saw. [Norm laughs] You know that little scroll that goes under CNN?

Jon: Yeahhh

Norm: I’m watching it the other day, Baghdad’s getting bombed. Right?

Jon: Right.

Norm: And underneath on the scroll it says “Daniel Kellison to leave the Jimmy Kimmel show”

[audience and Jon laugh]

Norm: Isn’t that backwards?

Jon: You think they should have been covering that in the regular news... and the little crawl should have been “Baghdad is bombed”?

Norm: Yes, exactly.

Jon: Yeah.

Norm: Because, since the- that crawl, remember, just started, September 11th. They- we never had that crawl.

Jon: Right, we didn’t have that crawl before that, no.

Norm: Now the crawl is cons- because at that time there was so much information, you know? You’d be watching the thing and then all the sudden it’d say, “Watch out!! ba- DUCK!” And you go “Ahhhh!”

[audience laughs]

Jon: It was immediate

Norm: Right, it was immediate. Because there was so much information flowing. And now they just kept the crawl and there’s nothing to put on there so you’ll see things like, uh, you know, uh, “Singer James Taylor set to wed.” And you’re like...

[audience laughs]

Jon: The favorite one that I’ve seen so far is... uh, it said- it was another one of those situations. They were announcing that Uday and Qusay had been killed in that giant raid.

Norm: Right.

Jon: And underneath, it said, uh “Beyonce says she doesn’t like the word “Bootylicious”

[Norm and audience laugh]

Jon: And it was just such a great- but it was that same damn thing. I want you to put a ticker on your show. Will you put a ticker on the “Stan Hooper” show.

Norm: And I have never been on that scroll and yet for years I’ve said I don’t like that word ‘Bootylicious’. [Jon and audience laugh] But that doesn’t make the news!

Jon: CNN is not covering Norm MacDonald to the extent people want.

Norm: I know, it’s ridiculous!

Jon: It is ridiculous. Uh, how do you like doing the program? Is it- is it enjoyable for you? Is it- is it fun to work? Do you prefer to gamble?

Norm: [embarrassed] Why’d you have to bring that up?

Jon: Are you having fun doing it?

Norm: No, I- I love, uh- I love working, you know, I took, ah- ah. I retired from show business. You know?

Jon: Yes

Norm: And uh, nobody noticed.

Jon: I noticed.

Norm: So I realized that I had to get back into it. So that I could become a big star, then retire from show business-

Jon: Thank you.

Norm: And then- then it would be a big story.

Jon: That’s how Celine Dion does it.

Norm: [laughs] That’s right.

Jon: Then you go to Vegas and then you open up your own “Norm MacDonald Theater”.

Norm: That’s right. And you marry an old dude that blows all your money. [Jon and audience laugh] That’s my dream!

Jon: A fine dream it is, sir.

Norm: Certainly

Jon: “A Minute with Stan Hooper” airs Wednesday nights at 8:30 on Fox. It’s Norm MacDonald back on TV where he belongs!

Norm: Yeah!

Trumpet: Waaaa waaa waaa wa wa wa. Waaa wa wa wa-

Audio provided by Bob Barron, transcribed by myself.