"I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."

"Our top story tonight, court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lt. Kelly Flynn, the nation's first female B-52 pilot. Flynn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her 'a sexual predator,' while her commanding officer has called her a 'lying sex addict'. Meanwhile, President Clinton called her."

"Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out more than 750 million in a court settlement when it admitted that its cigarettes are addictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiled its new warning label: 'Warning: Don't try to sue us, we don't have any money left'."

"Yesterday the House Budget comittee approved an outline of a deal between President Clinton and congressional leaders to balance the budget. But both sides caution it's not set in stone, in order for it to become official, it must still be approved by this Chinese guy."
(picture of an asian man shown, an audience member boo's)
"Boo?? What the hell? No reason to boo anything!"

"It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutors Marcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexually explicit notes back and forth at the trial, notes which discussed each other's 'turn ons.' And according to the notes both Darden & Clark are turned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz."

"Meanwhile, O.J. himself may have some explaining to do. For months he has denied hiding financial assets, including valuable sports momentos, from the Brown and Goldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave the country. In the back seat of his Bronco, police found O.J.'s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fake beard."
(picture of trophy with beard shown)

"According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma Henrieta Collins, a 90 year old widow, was bilked out of her life savings by the trustee's of her estate.
Note to self: Forget about trying to bilk Henrieta Collins of her life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first."

"This week talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extra-marital affair saying, 'Frank did and always does what is right.' Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission, that her husband beats her."

[skit with WU correspondent Lenny the Lion{Colin Quinn} on 'Zoo conditions']

"In San Francisco last week a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures, attended by the city's Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled."

"In his new film 'Legionaire', action star Jean Claude Van Damme will join the French Foreign Legion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920's Paris, who flees a mob boss after falling in love with the man's mistress. Also, even though it doesn't say anything here about it, I'll bet there is plenty of -- kicking!"

"Tonight we are proud to present a new feature on Weekend Update: 'In their own words'. As you remember from last month's televised town meeting on kids and drugs President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and the audience as well, when he said 'I receive many letters from 5 year old kids around the country, telling me that they are frightened and asking for my help'. Earlier this week the White House released the text of some of these letters.
Walker D. of Connectcuit, a 5 year old child, writes:
'Dear Mr. President, when the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayer money on their Whitewater witchhunt, perhaps they can join you in your efforts to protect medicare and the environment and to expand the earned income tax credit.
P.S.: Paula Jones was asking for it.'
Here is one from Elisabeth A. in Long Island who wrote:
'Dear Mr. President, Newt Gingrich is a bad, bad man. Also, Paula Jones was asking for it'.
'In their own words!' "

"Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer."

"Good news for Hawaii, next year the state will receive 20 million dollars in federal funds to help teach poor children how to read.
Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiians out of 20 million dollars by pretending to be a guy who teaches reading. (Norm pauses and reflects on his idea)
Note to self: Before I start, also learn to read. That will help give the scam, what we like to call credibility."
(Norm comments)"Yeah it's a big word."

"A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C. Mayor Marion Barry's popularity among city residents has dropped to its lowest point in five years. However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest in polls, or for that matter, anything else that isn't crack."
"He has no interest... What the hell are polls going to do?"

"Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in that country. Where his concerts routinely sellout and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

"And it's been fun folks. Good night."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.